2000 years of chasing taking its toll

I think I'm getting use to the idea that I've given up my Independence. I've given up my my ideals for myself and my future. I think all of this is being brought up because a good friend recently dropped everything in her perfectly comfortable life and followed her dream.

Stranded in this Spooky Town

More important than the actual realization that I've fallen into this boring ho-hum reality, is that I don't even know what my dream is anymore. What I do know is that its not getting up every morning and going to sit at a desk all day. Would I be happier if I had more responsibility at a company where I've worked for 10 years? Maybe. I think I'd be even happier if I just had a voice within the department that I work in.

Stoplights are swaying and the phone lines are down

I think, and think is the operative word in this sentence, that I miss this free spirit I use to be. That maybe I would be okay with the desk job if I had the ability to branch out and really be myself. I feel like I bottle up ideas, goals and my personality. All in the name of political correctness. All in the name of keeping under the radar. I think the higher up the ladder I climb, the less me I become. This me with a mute button has been lasting past work hours now.

And its coming closer

I have struggled with a resolution to how I feel from 9 - 6. Because now that's a resolution with how I feel about myself. Do I think going out 3 or 4 nights a week and getting hammered will make life fun again? No. I like that I can get up in the morning and pee IN the toilet rather than all over myself because I'm hurling my insides into the toilet. Its taking its toll on my marriage, because this boring wallflower is not who my husband fell in love with. He says I'm way to responsible now. I don't have to be serious all the time. But really, deep down..I feel like I do. Because me not serious is a train wreck of emotions. I have learned to adapt to my adult self which requires balance, routine and restraint.

Leaving me stranded all in love on my own

The chaos of moving and planning a wedding proved my rule of balance, routine and restraint. I was an absolute mess. I started seeing a therapist after I broke my windshield with my cell phone. I become this blubbering ball of emotions that I can't control. When I was younger it was just how I was. Angry, passionate, wreckless and carefree. I was a hot mess. Now that I'm older it manifested itself into impulsive decisions, hostility, paranoia and insomnia. I spent most of my savings in 4 months, almost lost my husband, almost lost myself..I was convinced everyone hated me and had it in for me. All in the name of stress.

Feel so good but I'm old

So here I am. Content. Happy? Mostly. Excited about life? Not really. I ask myself every morning what is the one thing that is going to make it all click. I've got a husband that I'm still in love with just as much as I was the first day seven years ago. I've got a good job with a bright future. I've got a supportive and loving family, and great friends. A house that I love coming home to everyday, pets that I adore..but there is something missing that just makes it all not click together so I can say I fucking love life and everyday that I'm here. Somethings missing that's letting me breathe.