Michael Jackson is my lover.

I am addicted to Hand Sanitizer. I have a costco sized bottle on my desk and I pump a dollop into my hand approximately every 8 minutes. I wouldn't call myself a germ phob, because if I were a germ phob perhaps I could have avoided the nasty bacterial infection that had me laying on my couch for 3 days a couple of weeks ago. Have you ever had an antibiotic injected into your ass cheek? Dear God. That needle made my knees buckle. When it was all said and done, I had 5 of those shots over 4 days and my ass still hurts when I sit a certain way.

What I'm searching for, to tell it straight, I'm trying to build a wall

Tomorrow morning I'm getting up at up a time that should be illegal on Saturdays to go shooting. We recently bought a Glock and I haven't shot it yet. My husband went last week while I was working. I was hesitant for a long time for us to have a gun in the house. I'm not really sure why, I grew up with cannons in our front yard. I've shot almost every gun you can, some illegal now. My favorite was a Mac-11 machine gun. I felt gangsta.

Walking by myself down avenues that reek of time to kill

Tomorrow is a National Day of protest against the discrimination and stripping of civil rights of the gay community. I am overwhelmed by the fact that a majority of Americans are against equality in the name of God. My favorite debate tool of the religious folks is "Whats next, people are going to want to marry their dog, children or a plant?" Well, I'll tell you one thing, I sure hope that one day I win the freedom to marry an orchid, because Orchids are fucking sexy.

If you see me keep going be a pass by waver

I read a post on craig's list under the Barter category this morning that made me very sad. A woman was willing to trade anything she owned, or a service she could provide for a special uniform shirt required by her son's school. She could not afford to purchase the uniform so the child has to wear a uniform provided by the school, which is evidently easily identifiable that you are poor. Its really heartbreaking hearing stories like that, I sure hope Obama gets our Country's head out of its ass really quickly. The shit smell is really starting to get to me.

2000 years of chasing taking its toll

I think I'm getting use to the idea that I've given up my Independence. I've given up my my ideals for myself and my future. I think all of this is being brought up because a good friend recently dropped everything in her perfectly comfortable life and followed her dream.

Stranded in this Spooky Town

More important than the actual realization that I've fallen into this boring ho-hum reality, is that I don't even know what my dream is anymore. What I do know is that its not getting up every morning and going to sit at a desk all day. Would I be happier if I had more responsibility at a company where I've worked for 10 years? Maybe. I think I'd be even happier if I just had a voice within the department that I work in.

Stoplights are swaying and the phone lines are down

I think, and think is the operative word in this sentence, that I miss this free spirit I use to be. That maybe I would be okay with the desk job if I had the ability to branch out and really be myself. I feel like I bottle up ideas, goals and my personality. All in the name of political correctness. All in the name of keeping under the radar. I think the higher up the ladder I climb, the less me I become. This me with a mute button has been lasting past work hours now.

And its coming closer

I have struggled with a resolution to how I feel from 9 - 6. Because now that's a resolution with how I feel about myself. Do I think going out 3 or 4 nights a week and getting hammered will make life fun again? No. I like that I can get up in the morning and pee IN the toilet rather than all over myself because I'm hurling my insides into the toilet. Its taking its toll on my marriage, because this boring wallflower is not who my husband fell in love with. He says I'm way to responsible now. I don't have to be serious all the time. But really, deep down..I feel like I do. Because me not serious is a train wreck of emotions. I have learned to adapt to my adult self which requires balance, routine and restraint.

Leaving me stranded all in love on my own

The chaos of moving and planning a wedding proved my rule of balance, routine and restraint. I was an absolute mess. I started seeing a therapist after I broke my windshield with my cell phone. I become this blubbering ball of emotions that I can't control. When I was younger it was just how I was. Angry, passionate, wreckless and carefree. I was a hot mess. Now that I'm older it manifested itself into impulsive decisions, hostility, paranoia and insomnia. I spent most of my savings in 4 months, almost lost my husband, almost lost myself..I was convinced everyone hated me and had it in for me. All in the name of stress.

Feel so good but I'm old

So here I am. Content. Happy? Mostly. Excited about life? Not really. I ask myself every morning what is the one thing that is going to make it all click. I've got a husband that I'm still in love with just as much as I was the first day seven years ago. I've got a good job with a bright future. I've got a supportive and loving family, and great friends. A house that I love coming home to everyday, pets that I adore..but there is something missing that just makes it all not click together so I can say I fucking love life and everyday that I'm here. Somethings missing that's letting me breathe.

Sk8rboi.

I realized yesterday that I'm officially that nasty neighbor everyone had when growing up. I have lots of kids in my neighborhood, some that I think are adorable and some that I probably wouldn't help get up after they fell. One particular boy likes to skateboard in my driveway. This.Drives.Me.Nuts. Whats wrong with his driveway? Mine isn't especially nice, so I don't get it. I picture him falling, as he does all the time, but with his skateboard flying into the side of my currently dent free truck. So, I find myself yelling at him to get out of my driveway almost every day. Yesterday he gave me the finger and I called him a rotten little boy. A rotten little boy? Yes. That's the best I could come up with.

Whats funny to me is that starting at the age of 8 I had the worlds biggest crush on the neighbor boy who would skateboard in our other neighbors driveway. I would sit at my window and peek around the curtain and watch him and his friends (one of which is now married to my cousin, and can I tell you how embarrassed I was when he mentioned that they could see me PEEKING from my window) skate their little 11 year old hearts away. I was thought he was a God until I moved out of the house, by the way. When I was 15 I would sneak out of the house at night a lot, and we would pass each other in the alleyway. I was walking and smoking Winston butts taken from my Dad's ashtray..and he was driving. Sometimes he would give me a nod of hello, and my heart would flutter. I saw him about a year ago at my Cousin's house (the one that married his skater friend) for a party. He gave me a nod, and my heart did not flutter.

Plain Old Stick makes it into the Toy Hall of Fame

I like to use sticks to beat little kids with.

I call shotgun, you can play your R&B tunes.

This morning I was sitting in the parking lot of the gym eating my POWER breakfast bar and drinking my $3 Starbucks coffee not really wanting to go inside and sweat. So I sat there. Playing brick breaker on my phone.

Just something about standing there next to some stranger while I huff and puff my way through the weight loss program on the elliptical made me throw up a little in my mouth. I felt that way a little bit on Friday too. I think I have gym anxiety. Which, for a fat girl is like a diabetic being allergic to insulin.

Just say I want you just exactly as I used to, 'cause baby this is only bringing me down.

The holidays are almost here. Other than a visit from my Dad, I'm fairly over the holiday season already. I find it super annoying that retailers totally skip over Thanksgiving. I was at CVS last night and the pharmacy had snowmen up. I have 2 issues with this:

1. I live in Florida. A snowman would have zero chance of survival.
2. How about you put up a Turkey?

Its like Thanksgiving is the stepchild who's birthday falls near Christmas. You get him maybe a little nicer present but its a combo Christmas/Birthday present. You recognize that his birthday is now, but hey Jesus was born soon! Sorry Thanksgiving. You don't generate enough money for Hallmark and Macy's so you just get that combo present. And some candied Yams. Look they have little marsh mellows though, and little marsh mellows turns every frown upside down.

Ban Divorce!

Fight the real threat to the sanctity of Marriage, Divorce.

Certainly, Darling.

Maybe I'll write here. Maybe not. Either way, Emmylicious is dead. Cutbacks, ya know?